


Wash Away My Sin

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey, the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-22
Updated: 2007-10-22
Packaged: 2017-11-13 23:05:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/508694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rain comes to wash away the sins from the Earth. It washes more than that from Reita, pushing him toward breaking. His compromised friendship with Die seems all but hopeless, but maybe, just maybe, the rain means more than he realizes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wash Away My Sin

**Author's Note:**

> 036: Rain at 50stories

Rain pours down over the streets of Tokyo, coating everything with a slick sheen. Whenever it rains, everything cannot help but be affected by it; it's a part of nature's intent in letting loose the water from the sky above. Sometimes I wonder if the rain really knows that it affects everything so; if nature truly intends to let it have this much impact over the world. Sodden leaves lay dead upon the street, soaking up the rain, despite never being able to live ever again. People scurry from the streets, seeking shelter from the tiny pelting drops that fall downward. Yet others simply stand in the middle of it; taking it all in and letting it wash away their sins. The water gathers in the gutters until it sweeps away the grime caused by humanity. Perhaps it really is a cleansing process for the Earth, a way to strike all the sins from the record, to pull everyone and everything back to where it belongs. But then, if that's the reason... why is it that the rain weighs so heavily upon me? What have I done in my life that is so sinful that the rain must try to wash me away with it?

I turn away from the window, my soul feeling broken, and my heart heavy in my chest. My fingertips slide softly over the glass, tracing the drops as they gather together and streak down the pane as one. ... As one. Even that thought wrenches more pain from within me. For years, I'd prayed to become a half of that whole... of that one. But time presses unbearably down upon me, telling me that my time runs short, that no matter what I do, it's hopeless... pointless. My eyelids flutter closed, chasing out the last rays of the sun as they filter through the only window in my apartment. A soft sound of agony leaves my lips before I can stop it, and that alone is the beginning of an avalanche of emotional disturbance. I sink to the floor, pulling my knees up against my chest and resting my head there. Slowly, I start to rock back and forth; the only comfort I can find in an eternity meant to be spent alone. Tears gather and overflow, unable to be stopped by the thought that I shouldn't let myself cry, that it's unmanly to do so. But then, who's here to see me? Who'll ever know?

The minutes tick by, the rain counting the seconds as they pass, drops shattering against my window, breaking the silence far more than my shuddering breath ever will. Loss wells inside of me, a knowledge that everyone I've ever known, ever loved, has left me or simply never wanted me to begin with. My parents when I was fourteen... my aunt when I turned seventeen... every girlfriend I've ever had... even my pets and now my plant, the only thing I'd managed to keep alive all these years. I glance at the slowly dying leaves, knowing it's hopeless to even try; its lifespan has been met and I cannot keep it from death. Part of me wonders why I care so much about a stupid plant. The other part answers, telling me because it's the only thing I could ever depend upon to truly be there. I sigh softly as I look away, my hand falling to the floor limply beside of me as I rest my head once more upon my knees.

Seven months ago today, I found the reason for my existence. I didn't know it then, but that hardly matters. Three months ago, I realized my feelings were deeper than perhaps they should be. Eighty-four days ago, I realized that I'm in love... hopelessly unrequited love. Forty-one days ago, I tried to convince myself that I'm delusional, imagining things, that my feelings aren't at all real. That worked for all of about three days... until I saw the object of my desires again. It all came crashing back down on me, worse than it had ever been. Denial is not the way to solve one's problems, apparently. Thirty-two days ago, I started having dreams; dreams that should never have come to me; dreams he'd kill me over if he knew I was having them. Nineteen days ago, I convinced myself that the only way out of this was to never see him again. And last night... well, last night I ran into him again. The look in his eyes, the pain and lack of understanding as I turned away from him, acting as though he didn't matter - it shattered me. I can't believe I could do that to him, to cause that look, that pain in his face. I never wanted to see him like that; I just meant to make sure I never saw anger or hate in those eyes. But this... this is not what I had in mind.

I lift my hand from the floor and slide it into my pocket. My fingertips close around my phone and I tug it free only to stare at it in the dying light. My mind stumbles over the possibilities presented to me with this small device. I can call him... or maybe text him. I'm not sure I can speak right now; even if I can, he'll know I've been crying. I sigh softly as I close my eyes for a moment. At least now I know why the rain has come to wash me away. This time I deserve the pain of each crystal drop. Maybe every rain has been punishment to me, all for this simple act of stupidity on my part.

My fingers fumble with the phone as I flip it open and go through my contacts to find his number. I hesitate for a split second before I simply press call and wait, praying he'll answer. Three rings later, he answers, his voice cracking across the phone line, vaguely comforting.

"Rei?"

My voice breaks, even on a single word. "Y-yes..."

"Hey..."

I take a deep shaky breath, praying I can last through this conversation without breaking down. "Die, I... I need to talk to you. It... It's important. Are you alone?"

"Hang on." Rustling sounds ensue; a few semi-familiar voices drift across the line, words indistinguishable. "Okay, now I'm alone. What's up?"

I can still feel the hurt in his voice, echoing the pain in his eyes from last night. I swallow hard, determined to do this, no matter the cost. What else can I lose? I've already forced him away from me. "I... I don't even know where to start, really. Last night... I... I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry."

"Then why act like you didn't even know who I was? Did I do something wrong?"

"It... it's not you." I realize once it's out of my mouth, how incredibly cliché this whole thing is. I rub a weary hand over my eyes, before continuing. "I know the phone isn't the way to tell you this, but I don't think I'll ever be able to do it in person. Forgive me..." I wait and only silence stretches out before me. Maybe I don't deserve forgiveness after what I did last night... or maybe he's simply waiting to know why he'd need to forgive me. I push forward, still just as determined as when I started. Another deep breath. "Die... I... I've fallen for you." As soon as the words are out, I want to take them back. But wishes and wants cannot take back what has already been done. Even I'm not delusional enough to think that's possible.

"You... what do you mean exactly?' Evident confusion laces his voice, the prior hurt all but overshadowed.

I lean back against the wall and close my eyes, drawing in a shuddering breath. "I... listen, I know I'm younger than you by quite a bit, and I know some part of you thinks I'm just the little PSC brat bassist that wants to hang out with Die, the great guitarist. But that's not how it is... really, it's not. I've come to value your friendship... maybe too much. I just..." I shake my head, willing him to understand without me having to say it.

"I've never thought that about you. What would make you think that?"

My voice drops significantly, to almost a whisper, and I know he has to strain to hear me. "Fear... I'm scared to death of what you really think each time we're together. Of what you really see in me."

"I see you as my good friend, whose company I enjoy immensely. You've never been anything less than that to me."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. What's going on here?"

"For a few months now, I've realized exactly what my feelings are for you. I've tried to deny it, tried to stop it... and last night, I tried to push you away. I stopped contacting you because I don't want you to hate me for it. I thought it'd all just be easier if I simply fell off the grid. That at least you'd remember me as the friend you used to have rather than the friend that fell in love with you that you're now disgusted and horrified by. I just..." my voice cracks and the tears that I can't control start once more, "I'm not sure I can stand it if you hate me. I'm sorry... I'm so damn sorry. I never meant to fall for you."

Silence stretches out for what seems like an eternity and then his voice breaches it, gentle and reassuring. "Oh, Rei... I... I..." a soft sigh, "where are you?"

"A-at home..." I try my best to calm down, but panic still seizes my heart, cramping my chest so forcefully that I can't stop the gasping breathes that come from me. This hasn't happened in a long time, a true full blown panic attack. I start to shake and a whimper leaves my lips.

"You okay? I'm coming over."

I nod, unable to reply to him before the phone drops to the floor and I curl back in on myself. I hear his voice coming from the phone for a minute, but I can't make out what he's saying. Everything sounds like I'm underwater and in the middle of grand central station. Hot tears run down my face as I cling to myself.

I'm not sure how long I've been here like this, but I can hear him knocking on the door, calling out to me. I want to move, to go and answer, but I can't. I'm more aware of time now though, the rain falling outside keeping the time for me. I hear two voices in the hallway; they still sound so far away, almost hollow. And then the door's opening and both Die and my apartment manager appear in my field of vision. Almost immediately Die's on his knees at my side. The manager hovers at the door for a moment before turning away and closing the door behind his retreating back.

Die slides his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder. "Rei... I... I'm not mad at you. I don't hate you either."

Slowly I look up at him, a slight part of my fear subsiding as he raises his head so he can meet my eyes. His fingers brush over my cheek and I lean into the touch, my eyes fluttering closed. "Die..." Before I can really comprehend what's happening, his lips are on mine; smooth, gentle, caressing. And it's over before I can respond, almost as though it never happened at all. My eyes flutter open and I stare at him in confusion.

"You never had anything to fear from me." He sits back and smiles at me. "Since the day I met you, I knew there was something different between us. I never knew that you noticed it too, much less that you wanted to pursue it. But now I know... and here I am."

"You... you want to be with me?" I can hear the disbelief ringing clearly in my voice.

He nods, his auburn hair glinting in the moonlight now pouring through the window above me. I strain, but I can no longer hear the rain. It's as though it has stopped just for me; telling me that my future is right here in front of me, all my sins washed away in a few short hours. A smile tugs at the corners of my mouth and I reach out for him.

His arms are around me once more and I can do nothing but cling to him, this stupid grin plastered to my face. He's really mine now. Everything I want is right here in my arms. I shift slightly and press a soft kiss to his jaw, before resting my head back on his shoulder. "Just us?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way. If I'm going to date you, it's going to be just you and I."

 

I nod in agreement and hug him even tighter. "Then... for now... you're mine."

A soft chuckle rumbles in his chest, putting me even more at ease. "And you're mine."

A part of me knows that this is right, that this is what is meant to be... and I couldn't be happier.


End file.
